6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
