you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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