Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
