yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
