We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
