I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
