I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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