How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
