Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
