If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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