The maid of honor just puked.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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