he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
