the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
