4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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