ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
