i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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