he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
