Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
