Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
