upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
two words...techno handjob
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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