When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
