So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
