put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
