I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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