You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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