yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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