This is not my ceiling
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
