just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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