First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
false alarm. still invincible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
