in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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