i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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