My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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