If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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