Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
