Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
