I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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