living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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