one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
