im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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