So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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