I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
