The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
