yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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