Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
