apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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