I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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