Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
