hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
