yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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