sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
