He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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