I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
