I hate all girls vehemently.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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