You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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