Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
