his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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